I Must've Been Selfish...

This is extracted from my QT this morning.

SELFISHNESS is innate to man's being. Human philosophy says, "Look out for number one for if you don't, no one else will." The question of the first murderer, "Am I my brother's keeper?" is still being asked in society today. This is indeed unfortunate. When we live self-centered lives we are denied the joy of delighting in others.

Maybe I'm looking at things the wrong way. I'm looking at how I can benefit from this relationship, at how I would love to have someone to call my own, to love and fawn over and worry and take care of. Maybe that's not the essence of relationships.

Maybe it's the delighting in others that's core to relationships. It's what others are feeling and what others are going through that's important.

Maybe you're going through a difficult time and I'm of no help to you, or worse, am being a sort of burden to you. You might call it other things, but in essence, whatever's hindering you from what you like doing is indeed, a burden. Anyhow, maybe it's good that time is taken off from this. It could lead us to realize how much we love each other... or not. Then at the very least, we could be either more assured, or we could be saving each other more heartache and pain and time and effort.

I don't want you to say things because you feel bad or guilty or you think you can give it another shot while disregarding how you really feel. You need to bore down to the core of your heart and find out the true cause of what you're feeling. For myself, I'll keep asking "Why?" to every answer I come up with, and seek to find answers within, the root of the problem, if you like. You do need to be brutally honest with yourself though. If nothing comes of this, you at least know that you can be brutally honest with yourself and get to know yourself better.

I guess I need time to assess myself too. My life is less than desirable and things could be better. Maybe GOD is really calling me to have a better relationship with HIM first, before I go into relationships with humans. That was what I told Esther last time when I felt the burden for OCF and I thought GOD wanted me to serve there like Louis. Apparently I didn't heed HIS calling, went for another girl, didn't get a job in Brisbane, get kicked back to Singapore, and now my relationships with everyone is a mess again.

What am I doing with my life?