Bordering...

'Tis another morning in my office... at my desk...

Today, I was first in. Don't know where Lisa went. Maybe Hong Kong again? Maybe she's on leave, which she totally needs.

I can't help thinking y'know... I often wonder is it really the end? No chance at all? Not even a sliver of hope?

I think of you everyday. Everything I see, do, hear, everywhere I go, I think of you. Seriously. Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I keep slashing at myself? Why can't I just step back and stop getting hurt? It's like seeing a spinning razor with sparks flying from beneath... k, make that round serrated blades... and make it a half dozen next to each other, spinning in alternate directions. Yup. Menacing... It's like seeing that machine there at chest level, then stepping right up to it so that the blades kinda tear you apart, and you scream till your lungs burst, either due to the blades or due to your screaming... And actually, all I had to do was step back.

K... sorry for the overly graphic image.

*sigh* I just can't get myself out of that... Maybe when I've been torn to shreds will I be able to stop because there'd be none of me left for those 6 blades...

I guess deep down inside, I'm unwilling to admit that it's over. Crazy as it sounds, I must've thought that if I deny it, it wouldn't be totally over. It's just a break... a time away from each other... a time to not be obliged. Yeah... that has to be it. Coz when you're back, things will be well again... we'd be so happy together again... yep.

Absolutely.



Happy 9th month anniversary.