Stupid...

I hate it that I can't shake it...

A little touch,
A little nudge,
A little word,
And I'm over the moon.


GRRR!!! ARGH!

HATE IT!!!

Yet, love it so much... =) =(

Letter A

"I'm lying alone with my head on the phone,
Thinking of you till it hurts.
I know you're hurt too but what else can we do?
Tormented and torn apart.

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life seems so low.
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring,
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know.

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you,
I know you were right, believing for so long.
I'm all out of love, what am I without you?
I can't be too late to say I was so wrong.

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from these long, lonely nights.
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too?
Does the feeling seem oh, so right?

And what would you say if I called on you now,
And said that I can't hold on?
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day,
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone.

Ooh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?"

-Air Supply: All Out Of Love



"All of me.
Why not take all of me?
Can't you see
I'm no good without you?
Take my lips,
I wanna lose them;
Take my arms,
I'll never use them.

Your goodbye left me with eyes that cry.
How can I get along without you?
You took the part that once was my heart,
So why not, why not take all of me?

All of me.
Come on get all of me.
Can't you see
I'm just a mess without you?
Take my lips,
I wanna lose them;
Get a piece of these arms,
I'll never use them.
Your goodbye left me with eyes that cry.
How can I ever make it without you?

You know you got the part,
Used to be my heart,
So why not, why not take all of me?"

-Frank Sinatra: All Of Me



"To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay.
Looking forward to, who wouldn't do
The role I was about to play?
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around.
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces.
Leaving me to doubt
Talk about God in His mercy.
Who, if He really does exist,
Why does He desert me
In my hour of need?
I truly am indeed,
Alone again, naturally.

In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour,
I promise myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower.
And climbing to the top, will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to whoever,
What it's like when you're shattered.
Left standing in the lurch at a church,
Where people saying: "My God, that's tough."
"She stood him up."
"No point in us remaining."
"We may as well go home."
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally.

It seems to me that there are more hearts
Broken in the world that can't be mended.
Left unattended,
What do we do? What do we do?

Alone again, naturally.

Looking back over the years,
And whatever else that appears,
I remember I cried when my father died,
Never wishing to hide the tears.
And at sixty-five years old,
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn't understand why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken,
Leaving her to start with a heart so badly broken.
Despite encouragement from me,
No words were ever spoken.
And when she passed away,
I cried and cried all day.
Alone again, naturally.
Alone again, naturally."

-Vonda Shepard: Alone Again, Naturally



"Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have.
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have.
Little things I should have said and done,
I just never took the time.

You were always on my mind,
You were always on my mind.

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times.
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine.
If I made you feel second best,
Girl, I'm sorry I was blind.

You were always on my mind.
You were always on my mind.

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died.
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied.

Little things I should have said and done,
I just never took the time.
You were always on my mind.
You are always on my mind.
You are always on my mind."

-Elvis Presley: Always On My Mind



"Anyone who have a love close to this
Knows what I'm saying.
Anyone who wants a dream to come true
Knows how I'm feeling.
All I can think of is you and me
Doing the things I wanna do.
All I imagine is heaven on earth,
I know it's you.

Anyone who ever kissed in the rain
Knows the whole meaning.
Anyone who ever stood in the light
Needs no explaining.
But everything more or less appears so meaningless,
Blue and cold.
Walking alone through the afternoon traffic,
I miss you so.

Anyone who felt like I do,
Anyone who wasn't ready to fall;
Anyone who loved like I do,
Knows it never really happens at all.
It's over when it's over.
What can I do about it?
Now that it's over,
Everything more or less is looking so meaningless,
And fades to grey.
Lying awake in an ocean of teardrops,
I float away.

Anyone who ever felt like I do,
Anyone who wasn't ready to fall;
Anyone who loved like I do,
Knows it never really happens at all.
It's over when it's over.
What can I do about it,
Now it's all over..."

-Roxette: Anyone

Home Alone...

Home alone... all alone...

Puffy eyes this morning... I hope no one noticed it and guessed its cause correctly. No one I know, at least.

Sitting here on my sofa now, I have absolutely no appetite for the half-eaten chicken chipolata (I think) in front of me. I've had a chicken pie and half a container of kueh bulu with milk already, so it's not too bad.

I feel the aching inside of me... and it shoots out to my extremities... my hands and feet feel the pain too... and it's like pulsing within...

*throb throb*

*pain pain*

*ache ache*



Sad sad songs aren't helping either...

Stupid chicken chipolata.

*sob*

I don't know why, but it just hurts so much...

=(((

I don't want to cry...

Happy Birthday to me...

Best day of 2009.

Worst day of 2009.

Thus far, at least...



Don't ask why...



"Dear, I fear we're facing a problem,
You love me no longer, I know,
And maybe there is nothing that I can do
To make you do.

Mama tells me I shouldn’t bother,
That I ought to stick to another man,
A man that surely deserves me...
But I think you do!

So I cry, I pray and I beg.

Love me, love me,
Say that you love me!
Fool me, fool me,
Go on and fool me.
Love me, love me,
Pretend that you love me.
Leave me, leave me,
Just say that you need me.

So I cry and I pray for you to

Love me, love me,
Say that you love me.
Leave me, leave me,
Just say that you need me.
I can't care 'bout anything but you.

Lately I have desperately pondered,
Spent my nights awake and I wonder
What I could have done in another way
To make you stay.

Reason will not lead to solution,
I will end up lost in confusion.
I don't care if you really care
As long as you don’t go.

So I cry, I pray and I beg.

Love me, love me,
Say that you love me!
Fool me, fool me,
Go on and fool me.
Love me, love me,
Pretend that you love me.
Leave me, leave me,
Just say that you need me.

So I cry and I pray for you to

Love me, love me,
Say that you love me.
Leave me, leave me,
Just say that you need me.
I can't care 'bout anything but you."

-The Cardigans: Lovefool

Individual Physical Proficiency Test

The whole of yesterday saw me a nervous wreck. I was gonna be taking my IPPT in the evening at Khatib Camp. As usual, I haven't really been keeping fit. What with all the eating-everything and eating-anything. And always asking for the fatty meat of charsiew when I eat charsiew rice. The only kinds of exercise I get are walking all over an area because they're walkable and I'm not in a hurry and I don't wanna waste money taking bus, and walking all over an area because I'm on a photo-outing. I don't consider walking down 5 storeys when I go out, and walking down 1 storey when I come home, exercise.

Other than that, I only tried to run twice, 2 weeks before. Friday, 30th Jan, I ran with Jun from Serangoon Central to Bishan, then Braddell, then I couldn't run anymore, and we did some of the static stations at the end of our trail at Braddell. 4.5km. Then we walked back to Serangoon. 2nd of Feb, I ran alone from my place through Sembawang Hills to Upper Peirce, and took the external route towards Sembawang. I gave up nearing the end of the route and walked back from the main road to home. 3.2km.

So you can imagine my surprise when I got a silver for my test. 2.4km took me 11min 30s. Pleasantly surprised. =) And if tiredness is an indicator of fitness level, I have to say that I'm fitter this year than last year. Last year, my run was 12min+ I think. And after my sit-ups, my abs were super aching, almost cramping. This year's sit-ups were no sweat and I still had 15s left. And last year after the run, I had to lie on the grass feeling like dying, and I needed a friend to help me buy isotonic drink to get me going. Then I had to sit by a toilet bowl feeling like puking. Then I had to drag myself out of camp and home... This year, I finished running, sat down for awhile, still had energy to ask someone if he's ok, bounced up the steps, got my results, got my stuff, and almost-bounced out of camp, where I met an old friend from my army days. He's a regular. Haha! As in, he signed on. No, not regular at the toilet. Everyone is. -.-

So I get a silver this year, and the monetary award is $200! Yay!

I wanna thank 2 people. Firstly, Jun, coz you ran with me and motivated me with your almost-everyday running! Hahaha! Secondly, Mel, for never doubting that I'll be alright and for having faith in me. Thanks girls... really... thank you 2 very very much. 1 more entity to thank (HE's not a person) is GOD. I'm sure without HIS blessing and strength, I wouldn't even get anything. Maybe I would've been knocked down by the bus when I flagged for it. So thank GOD! Yay!

Songs for a Summer Night

"Time,
I've been passing time watching trains go by
All of my life.
Lying on the sand watching seabirds fly,
Wishing there could be someone
Waiting home for me.

Something's telling me it might be you,
It's telling me it might be you
All of my life.

Looking back as lovers go walking past,
All of my life.
Wondering how they met and what makes it last.
If I found the place would I recognize the face?

Something's telling me it might be you,
It's telling me it might be you.
So many quiet walks to take,
So many dreams to wake,
And there's so much love to make.

I think we're gonna need some time,
Maybe all we need is time.
And it's telling me it might be you
All of my life.

I've been saving love songs and lullabies,
And there's so much more
No one's ever heard before.
Something's telling me it might be you,
Yeah, it's telling me it must be you,
And I'm feeling it'll just be you
All of my life.

It's you, it's you
I've been waiting for all of my life.
Maybe it's you, maybe it's you,
I've been waiting for all of my life."

-Stephen Bishop: It Might Be You





"It's not the pale moon that excites me,
That thrills and delights me, oh no.
It's just the nearness of you.

It isn't your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation, oh no.
It's just the nearness of you.

When you're in my arms
And I feel you so close to me,
All my wildest dreams come true.

I need no soft lights to enchant me,
If you'll only grant me the right
To hold you ever so tight,
And to feel in the night the nearness of you."

-Norah Jones: The Nearness of You





"Everytime we say goodbye, I die a little;
Everytime we say goodbye, I wonder why a little.
Why the gods above me, who must be in the know,
Think so little of me, they allow you to go.

When you're near, there's such an air of spring about it,
I can hear a lark somewhere, begin to sing about it.
There's no love song finer, but how strange the change
From major to minor,

Everytime we say goodbye."

-Ella Fitzgerald: Everytime We Say Goodbye





"Looking at the pages of my life,
Faded memories of me and you.
Mistakes you know I've made a few.
I took some shots and fell from time to time.
Baby, you were there to pull me through.

We've been around the block a time or two,
I'm gonna lay it on the line.
Ask me how we've come this far,
The answer's written in my eyes.

Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more.
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time!
When I look at what my life's been comin' to,
I'm all about lovin' you.

I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, I've paid some dues, baby.
We've been to hell and back again.
Through it all you're always my best friend.
For all the words I didn't say and all the things I didn't do,
Tonight I'm gonna find a way.

You can take this world away.
You're everything I am!
Just read the lines upon my face:
I'm all about lovin' you!

Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more.
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time!
When I look at what my life's been comin' to,
I'm all about lovin' you.

All about lovin' you."

-Bon Jovi: All About Loving You

Stupid Disney

Stupid Disney shows somehow never fails to make me sniffle and cry. Was just watching Cars just now whilst waiting for Spongebob to show... and though I didn't watch the whole show, it's still enough to touch me. And then there's the ending song that I thought was really pretty meaningful...

"When you find yourself
In some far off place,
And it causes you
To rethink some things,
You start to sense
That slowly you're becoming someone else,
And then you find yourself.

When you make new friends
In a brand new town,
And you start to think
About settling down,
The things that would have been lost on you
Are now clear as a bell.
And you find yourself.
That's when you find yourself.

Well, you go through life
So sure of where you’re heading.
And you wind up lost,
And it's the best thing that could happen.
'Cause sometimes when you lose your way,
It's really just as well.
'Cause you find yourself.
That's when you find yourself.

When you meet the one
You’ve been waiting for,
And she's everything
That you want and more,
You look at her
And you finally start
To live for someone else.
And then you find yourself.
That's when you find yourself.

We go through life
So sure of where we're heading,
And then we wind up lost,
And it's the best thing that could happen.
Sometimes when you lose your way,
It’s really just as well.
Because you find yourself.
Yeah, that's when you find yourself."

-Brad Paisley: Find Yourself

Boredom

It's been almost a month since I last blogged. Funny how it felt so long, but wasn't actually so long.

Well, it's been nice not working. At first, there was a significant increase in photo-outings. Recently, there has been a sharp decrease. What with the Christmas season followed by Chinese New Year and people starting school again and all, it's been abit tough to organize a group photo-outing.

Nevertheless, I shall carry my gear and go shoot something this week!

Borrowed 3 books on photography, but they were quite pointless. I really might have reached the peak of photographic knowledge that is applicable to me, and now, all I need is to venture into the areas that I haven't, and to create my own style of photography. I'm still immersing myself into emulsions every now and then... film emulsions, that is. Recently acquired the Olympus Pen EES 2, which is a half frame point & shoot film camera. Half frame meaning on a 36-exposure roll of film, I'm able to snap at least 72 exposures. Sweet! Now they can't say I'm wasting film. Haha!

Got IPPT coming up soon. Ran twice since last week and timings were quite bad. Friday, 4.5km with Jun for 30min+... *sigh* Last night, 3.2km for about 20min... jialat already like that. Really really jialat.

Coming Sunday got outing to Sentosa with the Youths & Young Adults. There really isn't much logistics, is there? I'm thinking of getting Mr Chua to take us there. Just need to find out how much does it cost a busful of people to get into Sentosa. And also, need to find out how many youths would be attending. So far for Young Adults, only 3 people replied to my email to confirm their attendance. Including me, that'd be 4. So sad. I need to email the small group leaders to help me ask the youths' attendance! Sekali only like 10 people want to go, then still go on with Sentosa anot? *sigh* It's all my fault for procrastinating. Should've announced this at least 2 or 3 weeks in advance.

Tmr might meet Mel to go look around for old cameras. I've been wanting a TLR for quite some time, and gathering at Bernice's where I met Yan Hao with his Rolleiflex made me itch for one even more! Haha! That day the person who sold the Olympus Pen to me (her name was Jo) told me that there's this shop at Golden Landmark Hotel that sells these old cameras cheap. So I'm gonna go there to look see. Also, wanted to go Arab St and see if any of the shops there sell scrap pieces of crocodile leather so that I can drape it over my newly acquired Olympus Pen. Then just nice Mel wants to go that area to shop for clothes. Haha! Maybe after that we'll go stroll through the Thieves Market next to Sim Lim Tower and plough through all the old thrown-out cameras from all the Chinese New Year cleaning. Hopefully we find something that's worth keeping there.

Life's really xian when there's no one to go out with, and no where to go, and have nothing to do. Maybe that's why we should work. It felt so long since I last worked... but when I'm working, time just seems to fly by. Maybe that's the whole point of working: for your life to zip by...