Do I Need to Forgive?

It always amazes me how the same general message to everyone can have such a different meaning to each individual. Today's QT shook my thoughts again, and I thought, maybe it's me who should let go.

Below is the whole devotional. You can choose not to read it, of course. But there's no way to summarize it (at least, in my present state of mind) without losing any impact. You really gotta just read the whole thing...



"Forgiveness is surely one of the most misunderstood concepts in Christianity. Despite the fact that we are all called to forgive as our Father in heaven forgives, misunderstandings and misconceptions are widespread. In this devotional, we want to take you deeper in your understanding of what it means to truly forgive.

As is so often the case, it's easier to consider forgiveness by taking a look at what it's not.

First, we have to acknowledge that forgiveness is not an emotion. It is a conscious choice which has nothing to do with how we feel. We choose that we will no longer expect those who hurt us to repay us for the harm that was done. We choose that we will get on with our lives and no longer dwell on the hurt.

In past devotionals, we've looked at other, similar choices we are called to make which are often confused with a feeling. These include our choice to love our enemies, our choice to be humble and our choice to be thankful. Forgiveness certainly falls into this category. If we believe that we have to wait for our anger to subside before we can forgive, then we have the issue entirely backwards. The choice to forgive comes first; the soothing of our emotions comes consequently.

Forgiveness is not about the person who wronged us; it's about us. If we will not forgive someone who failed to meet our expectations, we start to change on the inside. We become angry and resentful. The quality of our own life begins to suffer and in this way, we compound the wrongdoing until it becomes something far more damaging than it originally was. One of the most important reasons we must forgive is that we cannot grow into the mature Christian Jesus is calling us to be with all that hurt and animosity building up inside us. Forgiveness is that act by which we release ourselves from our own prison of bitterness.

Forgiveness does not require that the wrongdoer apologize or is remorseful. It does not even require that they are aware of the fact that they hurt us. All that is required is that we simply say, "I'm letting this go. I will not let this incident change me in any way. I'm getting over it." What the wrongdoer does or does not do makes no difference in our decision to move past it and begin healing. As we release them from their duty to remedy the harm that was done, we release ourselves from the burden of making them accountable to their responsibility.

Forgiveness does not mean that we forget and it certainly does not mean that we need to stay in a relationship with the one who wronged us. If someone hurt of one my children, you can be certain that I would never forget and would never again allow them to be near my children. If it were a friend of mine who did such a terrible thing, then we could no longer be friends after such a violation of trust. Forgiveness does not require that relationships never change. It does require that we move past the incident in our hearts and that we refrain from dwelling on it.

Finally, forgiveness does not mean that the wrongdoer "gets away with it" or is "off the hook." It certainly does not mean that we condone what was done to us. Lewis Smedes explains,


"When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it. "


Furthermore, our forgiveness does not prevent us from perusing appropriate justice through the legal system, or from calling out to God and asking for His perfect justice to be done. A person who steals or murders should face the appropriate penalties under both our law and God's. What forgiveness does is change the reason we desire that they should be brought to justice. Before we forgive, it's natural to feel that they should be made to suffer just as they made us suffer. We want them to pay for what they've done to us! After we forgive, a transformation happens in our heart. We have released them from their obligation to us and so we can now peruse appropriate justice for its own sake, not for our own. We trust their fate to God and the courts, content that they no longer have any obligation or responsibility to us.

Forgiveness is not easy, but it is also not optional - our Lord commands it. If you are having difficulty forgiving someone today, take a moment and examine your reasons. Is it because the hurt is so big? The bigger the hurt, the more devastating is your prison of bitterness and therefore the more important it becomes to let yourself out. Are you having difficulty because they have not apologized and show no signs of changing their behavior? Remember that your forgiveness is about you, not about them. Are you struggling because you are still so angry and hurt? The pain will not subside until you make the choice to forgive. Ask the Lord for the strength and conviction to emulate Him, and make that decision today."



If you've been told, or if you know, the intricate web that's my life now, you might see just how this impacts me.

Forgiveness sure is alot harder than I thought I'm capable of...

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you".
-Lewis B. Smedes

I don't know who this Lewis B. Smedes is, but he sure is insightful. But even more insightful, and apparently much deeper than I thought it was, is this verse from GOD's Word:

"For if you forgive others when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."
-Matthew 6:14-15

Anxiety vs Obedience

"Each of us who is active and aggressive in our service for the Lord finds one aspect of the Christian life more difficult than any other. We find it almost impossible just to sit and not to move when God is not moving us. The best antidote for anxiety is to trust in God and wait patiently on Him."

How true the words of the author. When you're passionate and fired up to do GOD's work, like after a church camp or an inspirational workshop, we want to use that boost of energy to do something! And we want to do something instantly, lest our passion and strength fades.

However, it's not just in our service to GOD that we need to wait on HIM patiently. In our lives, in our direction and our goals for work, for ministry etc, we need to wait patiently.

I guess I need to wait too... wait and wait and wait... *sigh*

A Fisherman story:

"A party of fishermen took their small boat into the Gulf of Mexico. They came to their favorite spot, a place they had been many times before. The weather was balmy, the fish were biting, and they completely lost themselves in the hours of the afternoon. By nightfall a dense fog had moved in and they found themselves completely engulfed in the "soup" and could see only a few feet ahead of them. Their hearts raced with excitement. Then one of the fishermen remembered that he had a small compass in his pocket. They had already determined which direction they should go, but the compass pointed in the opposite direction. Now they were faced with a dilemma. Would they follow their own instincts, or the sure rule of the compass? All the men agreed to follow the direction of the compass. After what seemed an endlessly long time, they saw the shadowy outline of the shore emerging through the fog. They found themselves only a few yards from the dock where they started earlier in the day. The reliable compass had told them which direction to go, they trusted it, and they returned home safely."


"Let us not be guilty today of attempting to move ahead of God when He says to "sit still." Likewise, when through the Word of God we are moved in a particular direction, let us not question that direction, but do the will of God. The clouds of concern may completely encircle us today but God will remove them in His own good time and will provide direction for us if we simply trust Him and wait upon Him."

I'm Getting Poorer

Damnit!

I just did my accounts and realized that I crossed over my budget the past month... by about $500+!!! What the hell... I think I'm gonna start eating at everyday and bring food from home for lunch.

Shit man... this is serious. $500+ mostly spent on food. How the heck am I gonna buy my new camera? Let's look at some possible menus. Maybe I'll cook bean sprouts tonight, with xiao bai cai... and... chicken? I'll cook for 2 meals, so I can buy cheaper ingredients. I'll pack the leftovers for tmr's lunch.

Thursday mum's cooking dinner, so I'll ask her to cook one more portion for my lunch on Friday. I shall cook curry either on Sunday night or on Monday night. I'll cook for 3 or 4 portions, and that's for the next day's lunch and dinner and the next next day's lunch. Then dinner I'll think of something to cook again...

Yeah... sounds like a good plan.

Damn... I can't believe I let myself spend so much.

Woe to me

"When faced with tasks that are frightening or disagreeable, many people choose to put them off as long as possible. They find excuses to avoid unpleasant situations or make difficult decisions. But what a mistake that is. Often it only makes matters worse.

If you are faced with a challenging situation, don't procrastinate. Trust in God's strength and wisdom. Claim His promises of presence and protection. Then, get up "early in the morning" and go to it. At the end of the day, you'll be glad you did."

Indeed, the task ahead is totally disagreeable. But I shall trust in GOD's will and wisdom to bring us through. If it is for us to be parted, so we shall be. Meanwhile, I shall wait for a sign that tells us to.

As I thought about what you said, I have an answer for my blogging often telling you more than I do.

When I blog, I usually take some time to "pen" down my thoughts. I type and re-type what I want to say so that it's what I really want to say, and it's accurate. Often, I blog when something comes to mind and I have access to the internet; I blog when emotions are at a peak, somewhat; I blog after we talk because there is time for words and thoughts to sink in and kickstart more thought-processes. If I don't blog, which I totally can, those thoughts are lost forever in my shallow mind. Something bothers me, I blog it down, so that when I read my own blog, I remember that thing and I remember (more or less) the feelings and emotions I experienced during the time. If you'd rather risk me forgetting about things I think of, how I feel, than blogging it down, I can do that. I feel that it wouldn't make much of a difference in our conversations.

Or how about if u read my entries and wonder why I don't tell u those things, stop wondering and take it as I'm telling u through the blog. Isn't it somewhat similar to emails? From there, you can probe further into my thoughts and feelings, no? Take my entries as a seed, or a precursor to deepen our conversations, rather than reading it and stopping there and thinking that I rather blog about things than talk to you about it, because that's totally not true. I just don't remember things well, so I blog about it so you can know about it too.

~~~~~~~~~~~

On to more random things...

D90 is out in Singapore! I think i shall go have a look see. I read that the lowest price that someone got thus far is $1650! Don't know if that's body only or kit though. If it's kit set at that price, oh man, unless the D80 is selling for less than $800, I think I'd rather get the D90 new. And I heard that it isn't very much cheaper in Hong Kong, so... hmm... those wanting to wait till they go Hong Kong to get it might not wanna wait so long after all... PLUS, you get local warranty if u buy here.

Also, I'm meeting someone tonight to see a 50mm f1.2 AIS. He claims that it's mint condition and he's letting it go at $530. Hopefully I can reduce it some more. I totally missed the $500 offer man. Damn!

And if I'm getting the D90, I need a new dry cabinet. Shit... Money money money!!! At least I just got my pay today.

So let's see:

Nikon D90 - $1750, thereabouts
Nikon 50/1.2 AIS, 9-blade - $530
Digicabi 30L capacity - $110

Total cost of stepping into the digital SLR world - $2390

If I can wait for D90 to drop price, which might take longer than I'd like to wait, I might save a couple of hundred dollars... Should I splurge?

Sunday!!!

Intended to go to East Coast to walk along the beach to wash away the dirt and grime between my toes, and the calloused skin on my feet. And also, of course, the rough edges of my life thus far. But ended up sitting in Joanna's place and reading my book on Quantum worlds and Quantum mechanics, whilst she & Jasmine were cleaning and packing the house. Haha! Feel quite bad actually, like, just sitting there and not helping. =P

Norman was there too, playing PSP and helping out abit with their housework. Later in the evening, Anqi rang and came over too! We decided to have a steamboat dinner so went to Cold Storage for the ingredients. It was a nice, pretty relaxing day with a pretty nice gathering. And Shabu Shabu beef is SO-O-O NICE!!! So tender... so... soft... ooooo... I can almost eat it raw. Haha!

Ok, as we were eating, we watch High School Musical on Disney Channel too. And a song reminded me of certain things, and I felt abit... *sigh*... y'know, that kinda feeling? Yeah... So... *sigh*


"It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside.
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there.
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen?
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care.

I thought you were my fairytale,
A dream when I'm not sleeping.
A wish upon a star
That's coming true!
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth,
When there was me and you.

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing.
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along.
But then you went and changed the words,
Now my heart is empty.
I'm only left with used-to-be's,
Once upon a song.

Now I know your not a fairytale,
And dreams were meant for sleeping.
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true!
Cause now even I can tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth,
Cause I liked the view
When there was me and you.

I can't believe that
I could be so blind,
It's like you were floating
While I was falling,
And I didn't mind.

Cause I liked the view,
Thought you felt it too,
When there was me and you."

Vanessa Anne Hudgens: When There Was Me And You
(OST High School Musical, sung by Gabriella)


How long more must this drag on?

How long more can I hold on?

My Funeral

Lately, as a result of some reflection, I've begun to wonder about my possibly-unexpected death, and I wondered if I should some day die in a freak accident of some sort, who would know about it, and who would come to my funeral.

I imagine a few would... those who are still in rough contact with me. Possibly those from PLCMC. Possibly some from ORPC too. A few of them from UQ OCF who're back here. Mmm... maybe a few of my colleagues here too? A-a-and... I dunno. I don't think there's a link between my poly friends with anyone else in my life. So should I die, my 姐妹s wouldn't know about it. My 姐 in Italy wouldn't know about it either. And probably Vivian, Shuxian, Daphne they all also wouldn't know about it.

Then my thoughts started to wander to people overseas. The few friends left in Brisbane, would they fly back in the midst of their studies to attend my funeral? Coz even if they did, I wouldn't be able to say lame things and make them miss me, coz I'd be cold and grey in the wooden chest. No, actually, I might not be in a wooden chest. The point is, I'm dead. So would people waste $1000+ each to fly back for my funeral? Would my 姐 in Italy fly back for my funeral? Would my dad fly back from US (assuming he's there)? K, maybe, since he's my dad.

And what about my army friends? They wouldn't know about it either.

Would Esther come? After all the hurt I've caused her, I wouldn't be surprised, nor would I blame her if she didn't... not... that I can... of course.

And how would I like my funeral? I was saying I might not be in a wooden chest. I'm thinking something cooler... a glass... sphere? But that's a waste of material. How about a papier mache coffin? Maybe something shaped like a moth? Then my face would be at its thorax area so I'd fit nicely into the form of a Deathhead Hawkmoth? What's that? Remember Silence of the Lambs? No? K, maybe a picture is in order here...


Yup! See that "skull" on its thorax? Yeah, that'd make a cool looking coffin... and it's papier mache! Easily burnt, or rotted, however my family decide to get rid of my cadaver.

And now, my demands of those who attend my funeral.

I would want my visitors to cry ONLY on the last day... the procession, or maybe the burning. The days leading up to it, it has to be a happy, laughy, smiley occasion. I want happy and colorful balloons!!! Whee!!! And streamers, and glowsticks bracelets for every visitor! Rainbow-colored swirly lollipops and drinks for every table! And colorful artistic dishes for dinners! And they're not allowed to wear black! Ok, I'll lax abit... black bottoms are fine. But I want colorful tops! Dark blue is considered black, so no. I guess everything else is ok... brown... hmm... I dunno la. If you respect me, you'll wear brightly colored/floral/swirly clothes. But even if you really decide to wear black, I am in no position to protest cost I'd be inside the moth (I make myself sound like a parasite)...

I'd want a stage for performances, but that'd be abit much. Maybe a mic somewhere for people to tell lame jokes, keep the laughter in the air... I'd imagine Zhiwei to go up. Haha! Or... maybe Patrick? Hahaha! I dunno. I have a feeling that eventually, nothing will be like this at all. Nobody will heed my will. They'll just have boring, sobbing, dull-colored, decoration advertising the casket's name, boring rectangular wooden coffins that cost too much to burn but gets burned anyway, tacky peanuts and pumpkin seeds at every table for the guests. It's so weird. Peanuts and pumpkin seeds are used during Chinese New Year too! Anyway... ya... I hate those plastic bag-covered tables! I want nice frilly tablecloths!!!

I want my funeral to welcome anyone who's hungry too... Anyone who wants a free meal will be welcome to join in the party!

Hmm, I can actually see it! People will look and wander and wonder what's going on. They'll be like, "Wow, that's quite a party going on there. What's the occasion?" And my friends or my family will smile warmly and say, "Our friend/nephew/son/brother/uncle just died. Come on and join in the fun!" I'll bet the news people would be at it, and they'll be welcome to join in too.

Most importantly, there must be messages everywhere that says something like this:

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised!"

That's from Job, by the way. Yeah, it doesn't have to be that line, but it has to be something to that essence... that GOD is in control of everything, that GOD is the giver of all things, and that GOD is sovereign over all things.

Ok la, enough dreams for my funeral for now. I just hope this gets carried out.

Cheers people!

By the way, I'm the ONLY one left in office at the 44th floor right now. Spooky...

I Must've Been Selfish...

This is extracted from my QT this morning.

SELFISHNESS is innate to man's being. Human philosophy says, "Look out for number one for if you don't, no one else will." The question of the first murderer, "Am I my brother's keeper?" is still being asked in society today. This is indeed unfortunate. When we live self-centered lives we are denied the joy of delighting in others.

Maybe I'm looking at things the wrong way. I'm looking at how I can benefit from this relationship, at how I would love to have someone to call my own, to love and fawn over and worry and take care of. Maybe that's not the essence of relationships.

Maybe it's the delighting in others that's core to relationships. It's what others are feeling and what others are going through that's important.

Maybe you're going through a difficult time and I'm of no help to you, or worse, am being a sort of burden to you. You might call it other things, but in essence, whatever's hindering you from what you like doing is indeed, a burden. Anyhow, maybe it's good that time is taken off from this. It could lead us to realize how much we love each other... or not. Then at the very least, we could be either more assured, or we could be saving each other more heartache and pain and time and effort.

I don't want you to say things because you feel bad or guilty or you think you can give it another shot while disregarding how you really feel. You need to bore down to the core of your heart and find out the true cause of what you're feeling. For myself, I'll keep asking "Why?" to every answer I come up with, and seek to find answers within, the root of the problem, if you like. You do need to be brutally honest with yourself though. If nothing comes of this, you at least know that you can be brutally honest with yourself and get to know yourself better.

I guess I need time to assess myself too. My life is less than desirable and things could be better. Maybe GOD is really calling me to have a better relationship with HIM first, before I go into relationships with humans. That was what I told Esther last time when I felt the burden for OCF and I thought GOD wanted me to serve there like Louis. Apparently I didn't heed HIS calling, went for another girl, didn't get a job in Brisbane, get kicked back to Singapore, and now my relationships with everyone is a mess again.

What am I doing with my life?

A sumary of my life.

"The summer air was soft and warm.
The feeling's right, the Paris night
Did it's best to please us.
And strolling down the Elysee,
We had a drink in each cafe.

And you,
You talked of politics, philosophy and I
Smiled like Mona Lisa.
We had our chance,
It was a fine and true romance.

I can still recall our last summer.
I still see it all,
Walks along the Seine, laughing in the rain,
Our last summer,
Memories that remain.

We made our way along the river,
And we sat down in the grass
By the Eiffel tower.
I was so happy we had met,
It was the age of no regret,
Oh yes.

Those crazy years, that was the time
Of the flower-power.
But underneath we had a fear of flying,
Of getting old, a fear of slowly dying.
We took the chance,
Like we were dancing our last dance.

I can still recall our last summer.
I still see it all,
In the tourist jam, round the Notre Dame,
Our last summer,
Walking hand in hand.

Paris restaurants,
Our last summer.
Morning croissants,
Living for the day, worries far away,
Our last summer.
We could laugh and play.

And now you're working in a bank,
The family man, the football fan.
And your name is Harry.
How dull it seems,
Yet you're the hero of my dreams."

-ABBA: Our Last Summer



"Don't go wasting your emotion,
Lay all your love on me.

I wasn't jealous before we met.
Now every man that I see is a potential threat.
And I'm possessive, it isn't nice.
You've heard me saying that smoking was my only vice,
But now it isn't true.
Now everything is new
And all I've learned has overturned
I beg of you...

Don't go wasting your emotion,
Lay all your love on me!

It was like shooting a sitting duck,
A little smalltalk, a smile and baby I was stuck.
I still don't know what you've done with me,
A grown-up woman should never fall so easily.
I feel a kind of fear,
When I don't have you near.
Unsatisfied, I skip my pride,
I beg you dear...

I've had a few little love affairs,
They didn't last very long and they've been pretty scarce.
I used to think that was sensible,
It makes the truth even more incomprehensible,
'Cause everything is new,
And everything is you,
And all I've learned has overturned.
What can I do?"

-ABBA: Lay All Your Love On Me



"I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through.
Though it's hurting me,
Now it's history.
I've played all my cards,
And that's what you've done too.
Nothing more to say,
No more ace to play.

The winner takes it all,
The loser standing small.
Beside the victory,
That's her destiny.

I was in your arms,
Thinking I belonged there,
I figured it made sense,
Building me a fence.
Building me a home,
Thinking I'd be strong there,
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules.

The gods may throw a dice,
Their minds as cold as ice.
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear.
The winner takes it all,
The loser has to fall.
It's simple and it's plain,
Why should I complain?

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside,
You must know I miss you,
But what can I say?
Rules must be obeyed.

The judges will decide,
The likes of me abide.
Spectators of the show
Always staying low.
The game is on again,
A lover or a friend?
A big thing or a small,
The winner takes it all.

I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad.
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand.
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad,
Seeing me so tense,
No self-confidence.

But you see,
The winner takes it all...
The winner takes it all..."

-ABBA: The Winner Takes It All




And how I wish it all ends just right there.

I had a thought whilst watching a Christian show about leaving everything to GOD and trusting HIM even though nothing good might come out of it...

If I were to die today, how many people would come? And of those who come, how many really know me? I don't even want to think about it... I've been an enigmatic person most of my life. I know people, but many don't know me at all. What a sad life I lead.

But, a life's still a life.

The winner takes it all. Apparently I'm destined to be the loser, always...

Whatever happened?

"Where are those happy days,
They seem so hard to find.
I tried to reach for you,
But you have closed your mind.
Whatever happened to our love?
I wish I understood.
It used to be so nice,
It used to be so good.

So when you're near me,
Darling can't you hear me
SOS!
The love you gave me,
Nothing else can save me
SOS!
When you're gone,
How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone,
Though I try how can I carry on?

You seemed so far away
Though you were standing near.
You made me feel alive,
But something died I fear.
I really tried to make it out,
I wish I understood.
What happened to our love?
It used to be so good."

-ABBA: SOS

That was one of the songs from the Mamma Mia movie I watched with Bernice last night. Actually, I think the show is more of a comedy than anything. If you're looking for romance, look elsewhere. If you're looking for plot, look elsewhere. If you're looking for a musical like Phantom of the Opera or something, look elsewhere. If however you're looking for a ear-piercing, eye-squinting, shudder-inducing voice, listen intently to Pierce Brosnan sing. Oh man...

*sigh*

Certain events over the past couple of days have left me bewildered, suspicious, scared, upset, lost. And as I mulled over these things this morning, the book of Job once again reminded me that everything falls back to GOD. In Job's case, even good friends who sought to comfort him misunderstood him and kinda "insulted" him. And his wife, oh she even cursed GOD for their misfortune. I wanted to start babbling about how often we do that too, but that'd be digressing. The issue here is Job. With his wife and good friends making things worse in the face of misery, Job really had no one else but GOD to turn to for comfort, even though GOD allowed such things to happen to him.

The reminder here is that it always comes to GOD. And thank GOD that it does, because in the midst of the turbulence of life (for example, the sudden collapse of some huge-name banks right now), only GOD remains the same. Only GOD is still in control. Only GOD can offer us understanding and comfort. No one else. No one else at all.

I pray that GOD will see me through a time such as this. Life suddenly felt even more meaningless than before.

Snowskin mooncakes

Mooncake-making was quite fun. I think I really want a time-lapse camera to record the whole process... I didn't get any pictures today at all. Haha! Oh wells. Only had Boost, M&M's, crystallized ginger, and pork floss in my final 8. Can't believe I ate 6 testers. Yes, they were small, but they'd still give u diabetes man.

Anyways, don't really feel like blogging. *sigh*

It's nice to know people miss you sometimes. Really.

Thanks babe... =)

Shallow

A quick entry before I officially start my day at work.

This is my QT today. Think it's quite a wake-up call for me.

The verse is this:

"A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root..."
Matthew 13:3-6

The narrative:

"It would seem from the teaching of this parable that we have something to do with the soil. The fruitful seed fell into "good and honest hearts." I suppose the shallow people are the soil without much earth--those who have no real purpose, are moved by a tender appeal, a good sermon, a pathetic melody, and at first it looks as if they would amount to something; but not much earth--no depth, no deep, honest purpose, no earnest desire to know duty in order to do it. Let us look after the soil of our hearts.

When a Roman soldier was told by his guide that if he insisted on taking a certain journey it would probably be fatal, he answered, "It is necessary for me to go; it is not necessary for me to live."

This was depth. When we are convicted something like that we shall come to something. The shallow nature lives in its impulses, its impressions, its intuitions, its instincts, and very largely its surroundings. The profound character looks beyond all these, and moves steadily on, sailing past all storms and clouds into the clear sunshine which is always on the other side, and waiting for the afterwards which always brings the reversion of sorrow, seeming defeat and failure.

When God has deepened us, then He can give us His deeper truths, His profoundest secrets, and His mightier trusts. Lord, lead me into the depths of Thy life and save me from a shallow experience!"

Short as this is, I think the part that strikes me most is in the first paragraph:

"I suppose the shallow people are the soil without much earth--those who have no real purpose, are moved by a tender appeal, a good sermon, a pathetic melody, and at first it looks as if they would amount to something; but not much earth--no depth, no deep, honest purpose, no earnest desire to know duty in order to do it."

No offence to anyone or anywhere or anything, but the first imagery that comes to mind were my experiences at KBC. The sermons were head-on, sometimes short and sweet, direct, honest, open teachings full of passion and emotion and feeling, and people get stirred up into a frenzy of passion and sing and cry their hearts out to GOD, to Jesus. I myself have cried out and fallen sobbing and all... but at the end of the day, I realize that I don't do anything after that.

Of course, it's not just KBC. The more charismatic churches tend to do that... City Harvest for one. I haven't been to many charismatic churches, but of those that I've been to, it's more or less like that.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the shallow one. And I really don't want to be. It's scary enough that the Christian community might be made up of a majority of shallow earth, and I definitely do not want to increase the surface area of this shallow earth.

*shudders*

What are you doing with the life GOD gave you?

When She Loved Me...

"When somebody loved me,
Everything was beautiful.
Every hour spent together
Lives within my heart.

And when she was sad,
I was there to dry her tears.
And when she was happy so was I,
When she loved me.

Through the summer and the fall,
We had each other that was all;
Just she and I together,
Like it was meant to be.
And when she was lonely,
I was there to comfort her,
And I knew that she loved me.

So the years went by
I stayed the same,
But she began to drift away;
I was left alone.
Still I waited for the day
When she'd say
I will always love you.

Lonely and forgotten,
Never thought she'd look my way.
And she smiled at me
And held me
Just like she used to do.
Like she loved me,
When she loved me.

When somebody loved me,
Everything was beautiful.
Every hour spent together
Lives within my heart.

When she loved me..."

-Jordan Pruitt: When She Loved Me
OST Toy Story 2, Jessie the cowgirl.

WALL.E

I went to watch WALL.E with Mao yesterday...

I wasn't very drawn to it before the show, actually. But it was a good chance to meet up with Mao coz she's having holidays now, and I didn't mind watching it, so-o-o... yep!

Mao was really happy watching it. She says the robots are SO-O-O CUTE!!! Haha! Personally, I didn't think they were that cute. But the way they designed Eve was good. Eve is actually an acronym for "Extraterrestrial Vegetation Evaluator"... and on that note, WALL.E stands for "Waste Allocation Load Lifter - Earth-class". And for those who watched it, or are going to watch it, the teeny cleaner-bot is called MO... and MO stands for "Microbe Obliterator"... hence, his/her/its behaviour... =)

Anyways, by and large (pun intended if you've watched the movie) it wasn't a fantastic movie. The romance wasn't great, the adventure wasn't too exciting, the humour was pretty low. But it's not a bad show because it's quite thought-provoking. We see... k, I see how humans would become in future as we improve on technology and become more & more reliant on these robots to do our chores, and other things we're too lazy to do... FAT! Grossly overweight. I'm quite bent on not ending up with that kind of size in future. I'll be an inconvenience to all, and incosideration to the general public, and a walking signboard of my non-caring of the starving African, or even Singaporean children.

By the way, please do not stereotype robots as androids. And robots do not always have limb-like appendages. In fact, anything that has to be programmed and its main task is to make our lives easier is considered a robot. The dictionary defines robots as anything that functions automatically or by remote control. That's even broader than my definition. Haha!

So yes, we are living in a robot world, if you haven't already realised. But please, don't rely on things like OSIM's uZap or uPapa or whatever crap that's out there that promises to slim you down, keep you healthier and keep you toned and in good shape, and all you have to do is buy it, wear it, and be a couch potato, commanding mum or your maid or your little sister to get some food for you. Get up! Get out!

I have a dream... that my own house will not have a TV. Or if it has to have one, it'll have minimal channels, and the channels will be so boring that the TV will be virtually not in use. Well, the boring channels are there already. I just need a TV that will not be turned on. Haha!

~~~~~~~~~~~

An update of work this morning...

Overall it's been quite laughy. Fun! Haha!

The moment I stepped into office, Auntie Cat called me for help. She said she bought a tray of grapes yesterday for the Management Committee Meeting today, and left it in the fridge, labelled. But when she came in this morning, it was gone!!! To me, it was like, what the hell la, already label still go and take people's things. Anyways, she was quite upset and she wanted me to draw a sad face and write "Who ate my grapes?" so she can paste it on the fridge. Hahaha! So I did! Unfortunately, I didn't have time to scan it coz they were going for meeting alreay.

Anyways, after most of my work is done, we had a crazy chit chat session - Gavin, Miang Cze and myself. We started talking about D&D (which I'm not sure if I wanna go) and somehow drifted from acting and dancing, to indians (probably from the dancing part). Then Gavin was like, "How do indians communicate?" Then both of us didn't know, so he said, "Infrared." Then he said coz of the red dot on their heads... then "JIU!!!" to each other. Hahahaha!!! Damn funny can! Then MC said she has an indian neighbour, her dog also has the red dot on the forehead one!!! Hahahaha! Then I said that's how they communicate with the dog! Then we drifted on to how Raveen always don't reply our emails coz don't have red dot, so next time our email must put a red dot then he'll reply, but then we realized that he doesn't have a red dot on his head, which accounts for all his non-replies. =P

Now, Jeremy just came in and the crazy talks just drifted even further. Oh man, it was a good morning... Maybe coz it's Friday and nobody feels like working. Haha!

Anyways, we continued to say stuff like the modern indians don't really have red dots, because they use newer technology! Open their mouth and you'll probably find a blue tooth... *tiaow* Hahahaha!

K la k la... shan't continue. Wait I kena sued... All in all, we concluded that indians, while having lots of things to make fun at, are pretty smart when it comes to programming and mathematical stuff... and well, maybe dancing.

*sigh*

So fast, 17min more to lunch time. Meeting Madelin for lunch... Shannon gonna go shopping so not joining us. Oh wells...

Dinner tonight! Rice Table at International Building!!! After that, we (Tiffany, Patrick and myself) will be left with only the Jap restaurant there that we haven't tried. Yeah yeah!

Hopefully the day would remain as happy and fun. Hee hee hee!